what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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