tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
