The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
