I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
