she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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