so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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