His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
