just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
