omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
