By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
