Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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