I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
