the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
