How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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