franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
