Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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