Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
