I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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