I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
