mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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