I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
