Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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