my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
