And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
