i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
