so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
