How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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