When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
