Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
