I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
