You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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