She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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