hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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