Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
