my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
