I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
