You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
