Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
