I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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