he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
