OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
