turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I will pee on everything he values.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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