i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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