i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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