So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you never un-have a 4some
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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