Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.