We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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