I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize