Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
