just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can I color on your dick again?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
