Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
