So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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