I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
